This blog post is a little different than the usual, but trust me that it is on theme.
Like many other New York Women, having children was never at the forefront of my mind. I always imagined being an old lady and having had children in my lifetime, I just never felt the urge to do it, pretty much ever. When I turned 36 and my husband turned 40, we made the rational decision to try, not because we were ready but more as a “it’s now or never” kind of thing.
To my surprise, I got pregnant pretty much right away and was completely freaked out. I had just gotten Brooklyn Boudoir off the ground, wasn’t ready to stop traveling/going out to eat/living that New York life that I loved. Moreover, I had a sneaky feeling that I wasn’t really cut out to be a mom.
The day Stella was born I woke up not feeling well, but not having ANY idea that I was in labor. It was 3 weeks before my due date and I didn't feel any contractions so I sent my husband to work literally telling him, "𝘪𝘵'𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘐'𝘮 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘢𝘣𝘺 𝘵𝘰𝘥𝘢𝘺." 🤦♀️ Stella was born 6 hours later. I called my mom to bring me soup at 8am (this should have been a tip-off that something wasn’t right but I guess I was in serious denial about the whole thing). By the time my mom arrived, my water had broken and it was clear I was in labor. In the car on the way to the hospital my contractions were already 3 minutes apart! Meanwhile, my husband, who had just arrived at his film gig in Westchester had to borrow someone’s car and turn back around to meet us at the hospital. He made it for the birth with about an hour to spare.
I am proud to say that I didn’t have an epidural or any kind of drugs with either of my pregnancies. People look at me with confused horror when I say that. Especially after having done it once, the most common question, “Why would you do that again???” My honest answer: I’ve never been into elective meds, and the idea of a needle in my spine freaks me out. But beyond that, I consider myself tough, and am proud of that (My family is Spartan, what can I say?) ;) After doing it once I knew it was something that while no “fun,” that my body was completely capable of doing it, and I am really proud of that. Not everyone has the opportunity to give birth naturally, so why wouldn’t I at least try to?
Soon after Stella was born a rare complication occurred, the kind of thing that women died from in the old days. In retrospect, it was a good thing I didn’t have an epidural because I could feel that something was very very wrong. The energy of the room changed completely and I literally thought to myself that I was about to be a woman who dies in childbirth. Scary stuff. But between me being in touch with body and my INCREDIBLE OB Dr. Jennifer Butt (her real name, the comedy is not lost on me), all was resolved, and according to my husband, I became the people's hero of Lenox Hill Hospital. 🤣
So this is all a long story to say: I'm not as thin as I used to be, nor as strong in the core or glutes or biceps. But what I learned that day was that my body is AMAZING. I have never felt so proud of myself or so grateful for my body, and have been able to hold on to those feelings since. Sure, some days I wish I were as fit as I was at 21, or 28, or 35. Instead of mourning the loss of my pre-kids body or obsessively trying to get back there, I instead regret any time I spent not loving and flaunting my body a little bit more back then. But I AM glad I have photos of myself from those days, and I certainly wish I hadn't wasted my energy stressing over the way I looked.
Now, when my daughter tells me she loves laying on my tummy because it's so soft, I don't take it as an insult. All she sees in me is comfort and love, and who am I to tell her otherwise.
Kate Winslet has said she never heard the women if her life talk about loving their bodies, so she consciously talks about that with her daughters now. It stuck with me, and I try to do the same. How we look is really the least interesting thing about us, but when we do talk about it, I’m sure to tell Stella her how her legs are STRONG, how food in her belly helps her grow, how I love my soft belly because she grew in there, how each part of our bodies are important for the job that they do. It's not easy - I stress over how to impress upon my girls that they don't need to be "perfect"- that they are enough just as they are. But if I can do it for myself, and I can help other women do it via their photoshoots, I have to believe I can help them be confident in their skin, which is the best gift I can give them. ❤
